Happy Birthday!!!!

In honor of the girlfriend’s birthday on Tuesday (we’re giving a stripper pole in our bedroom, it’s the gift that keeps on giving), we thought that we’d present a gift buying guide for professional athletes and their significant others:

 Plaxico Burress: With the DA’s recent statements, we’re going to begin with the Jay Leno like obvious joke of soap on a rope. Although there’s an Astro-glide joke that would be much funnier. We see Plax as a pitcher, not a catcher.

 Ben Rothlisberger: With his recent legal troubles we’ll give him the number to the distinguished firm of Ogle, Elrod, and Baril. Did you see those insurance company reps run when they heard that the O.E.B. was on the line? What? Are you saying that people put things that aren’t true on TV? Does that mean that Knoxville’s hottest singles aren’t really on The Singles Line? Has anyone informed O’Reilly of this?

 Roy Halladay: A Canadian tuxedo. It’s cold in Toronto, and Doc’s not leaving town. Do they make a parka in denim?  

 Steve Spurrier: A time machine to take him back to the 90’s when his act was endearing not tiresome.

 SEC Media Days: A less smug sense of entitlement. We’ll admit that we’re SEC apologists, but if that wasn’t the biggest gathering of colostomy bags patting one another on the back, then the Libertarians must have put on one heck of a show in '08. (Note: We don't mean everyone there. But man do we mean quite a few people there)

 Lamar Odom: A new team on which to underachieve.

 Florida Football Players: Something silver. Dustin Doe’s recent run in with the law was the team’s 25^th arrest of the Meyer era. You stay classy Urban.